I had a really rough past week and a half. You would think after 28 years, I’d have figured out how to handle all the small stressors in life and not allow them to compact putting me in a place to explode. But, I haven’t. If you decide to continue to read this post, I hope you don’t mind me being honest. And if you continue to read and hear about my dark side, I hope it doesn’t turn you off completely. I need to be me, and this me needs to be open.
I know I’m called to ministry, full-time ministry. Ministry where my paycheck relies on how well people like to hear me speak and want to hear what I have to say. That scares me. I grew up spoiled, having what I wanted when I wanted it. Being a single mom, I’ve became the bread winner for my family. Not saying I don’t have help, my parents have helped me more than I could ever deserve and I am eternally grateful. But I know that I have to make a decent pay check and when I don’t my bills don’t get paid. Just the thought of not being able to afford my ridiculously large car payment scares me to death. This spoiled, grown-up child, fears of not being able to take care of herself or her little boy that depends on her.
I hate it when people don’t like me. I go out of my way, bending over backwards, to do what I can to serve others and to make people happy. I care and love with my whole heart and when it’s not returned, it crushes me. I hate that it crushes me to not be liked. I’m scared that I will always have people that dislike me just because I am me. All I can be is me, and I don’t want to fear not being liked.
I struggle with depression. Like I previously mentioned, I never learned how to handle all the small stressors so then when I let them build up they end up suffocating me. Literally, there are times when I feel like I can’t breathe, it scares me that my depression could affect me in full-time ministry. Who is going to want to listen to someone bring the word of God, that at times, struggles with relying on the word of God.
I’m scared that I’ll never learn how to deal with all the small things that end up as big things that cause me to be depressed, and if I can’t get over my depression, then who will like me, and if no one likes me, then who will want to hear me speak? I will be better though, I know that to get through all of this I just have to stay in God’s Word, stay on my knees, and even when I’m too tired to be on my knees, my heavenly father won’t be disappointed if I just lay on my face. This week has been trying for me, but I do know that God has me in the palm of his hand. He loves me, the good, the bad, and even the ugly side of me. God loves you too. I’m living proof that if God is willing to use me, He is more than willing to use you too.
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Love Squared 
Love the transparency Lori. God has it all in the palm of his hands. The depression can be managed by grace or taken away. Don’t stress the small stuff. Just keep letting go and let God. That’s where your strength is!
Thank you. I owe the desire to keep writing to you.
I love how honest you are. That is what makes you real. Your ministry will flourish because you are real. You follow God’s word and you live by His word. When you admit your weaknesses it will draw people to you who need help as well. People look for others who go through the same exact things they do, it truly makes you relatable. You can show them how to get through by relying on God’s word. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks Heather for even taking the time to read. And especially for the encouragement.
Hey lori , it pretty awesome nd really brave to write this , I know tht its hard to not stress , cause i myself do it nd i also wanna be liked to , but to be honest I know tht we really havnt talked nd i know tht u got a great heart nd u strive to live for God , in my opinion nd wht i have learned from my church family nd friends is tht u have to be yourself nd knw tht if your being real with people then they will be real with you , so i hope this did not offend you or seem like im being mean ,,,, just being honest nd giving my opinion..
Jenn, I appreciate you taking the time to check out my blog. You’re right, if I’m being real, then I just have to accept the good and the bad that I get from people. Thanks for leaving the comment.
Lori,
Anybody that has come as far as you have is worth listening to and has a story to tell that people want to hear. Keep your head up and your feet moving forward on the path you’re on, it’s a good one and will get you where you want to be.
Thank you Steven, you bless me.
I just want you to know that you inspire me in so many ways. I admire your rawness to be open about your struggles. You said something to the extent of not being able to minister to people about the word when they will see that you don’t fully rely on it- there is truth in that; however, there is also truth in the fact that people will respect you and relate to you for being so real and just open about your struggles….it will show them that you are flesh too and sharing your past struggles will also give them hope that although you too have tough times, you have grown as a person and Christian. I also deal with rejection issues….it breaks my heart to people please only to feel rejected…but that’s a form of insecurity and that’s something I am daily working on. I just love you Lori! I’d love to get to know you better! 🙂
So glad you read this and you can relate! Feels good to know I’m not the only one. We definitely should get together soon! Love you sister.
Glad you are keeping it real Lori! I have more respect for people who are transparent and honest. I have been a Christian for a long time. For too long…..many of us have had to pretend and wear a mask….. just to measure up and try to look acceptable. It was impossible to perform. It was not safe to be transparent and honest. I am so thankful that God is healing me from the damages of man’s ideas of religion and put me in a safe environment where I can be honest and real. That is where true healing and freedom begins. I am 51 years old and struggle with similar things you mentioned. I think many of us young or old do. Thanks for being brave and sharing your heart and thoughts with the rest of us!
I’m so glad someone can relate! You’re such a blessing! Thanks for reading.