I had a really rough past week and a half. You would think after 28 years, I’d have figured out how to handle all the small stressors in life and not allow them to compact putting me in a place to explode. But, I haven’t. If you decide to continue to read this post, I hope you don’t mind me being honest. And if you continue to read and hear about my dark side, I hope it doesn’t turn you off completely. I need to be me, and this me needs to be open.
I know I’m called to ministry, full-time ministry. Ministry where my paycheck relies on how well people like to hear me speak and want to hear what I have to say. That scares me. I grew up spoiled, having what I wanted when I wanted it. Being a single mom, I’ve became the bread winner for my family. Not saying I don’t have help, my parents have helped me more than I could ever deserve and I am eternally grateful. But I know that I have to make a decent pay check and when I don’t my bills don’t get paid. Just the thought of not being able to afford my ridiculously large car payment scares me to death. This spoiled, grown-up child, fears of not being able to take care of herself or her little boy that depends on her.
I hate it when people don’t like me. I go out of my way, bending over backwards, to do what I can to serve others and to make people happy. I care and love with my whole heart and when it’s not returned, it crushes me. I hate that it crushes me to not be liked. I’m scared that I will always have people that dislike me just because I am me. All I can be is me, and I don’t want to fear not being liked.
I struggle with depression. Like I previously mentioned, I never learned how to handle all the small stressors so then when I let them build up they end up suffocating me. Literally, there are times when I feel like I can’t breathe, it scares me that my depression could affect me in full-time ministry. Who is going to want to listen to someone bring the word of God, that at times, struggles with relying on the word of God.
I’m scared that I’ll never learn how to deal with all the small things that end up as big things that cause me to be depressed, and if I can’t get over my depression, then who will like me, and if no one likes me, then who will want to hear me speak? I will be better though, I know that to get through all of this I just have to stay in God’s Word, stay on my knees, and even when I’m too tired to be on my knees, my heavenly father won’t be disappointed if I just lay on my face. This week has been trying for me, but I do know that God has me in the palm of his hand. He loves me, the good, the bad, and even the ugly side of me. God loves you too. I’m living proof that if God is willing to use me, He is more than willing to use you too.
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